Remember the days when the Men Tell All was spicy?
Well, those days may be over, or they at least took a vacation during this season of The Bachelorette because this season could have been an email — or a little add-on before the finale.
Seriously. Did we need two hours of this? Even Sam M.’s inevitable hot seat moment felt lackluster. BIG sigh.
But before we get into the men giving us nothing, we see Grant telling his mom he’s going to be the next bachelor, and he will be such a cute little thing when his season airs.
He seems so genuine, which, as we know, is NOT a given in this franchise, and you can tell he’s nervous and probably a little overwhelmed, which is refreshing. He probably has no idea what he’s getting into and a love that for us as the audience.
Jesse introduces the guys who’ve decided to attend the taping, and I won’t lie; I do not remember some of them. Like, who the hell is Ricky?
But there’s no time to talk to them when we still need to determine who will make it into the final two!
So, we flashback to Hawaii and Devin knocking on Jenn’s door, and I want to defend Devin because on a fundamental level, I GET IT, but on another level, you’re putting baby Jenn in a corner, and I hate it.
Jenn is in an impossible situation, and she’s still trying to sort things out. Devin’s desire to hear her say she loves him before he potentially proposes is normal in every single circumstance except during this bachelorette process, in which you willingly agreed to participate.
Devin is the most all-in of the three guys, and I’m sure he knows that, but you can’t force someone to feel something they may not feel yet to make you feel better.
And I kept waiting for Jenn to say she was falling in love with him because unless my memory is worse than I realize, I could have sworn she said she wasn’t in love with that man right before their overnights.
Instead, she says, and I quote, “Devin, I do love you, you freaking idiot.”
Man, I love romance.
Maybe the possibility of Devin leaving made her realize her feelings. Or maybe she loved him all along and was too scared to admit it.
Or maybe it’s all lies and propaganda. We’ll never know!
Anyway, Devin feels placated and doesn’t want to leave after all, so we fast-forward to the least suspenseful rose ceremony in history.
Jonathon is a nice man, but he doesn’t love Jenn, and Jenn doesn’t love him, so it’s time for him to go.
I felt bad for him for a second, but if he was ever going to get there with Jenn, then he needed to get on his Zoom much earlier than two months into the whole thing.
Devin and Marcus are now your final two, and I can hear the collective groan across the country.
Jenn loves both guys, apparently, but only one loves her. Whatever will she do?
Back in Los Angeles, Jesse talks to Ricky (?) and Brett, who didn’t make it past the first night. And oh my god, did we need to read those cringy DMs?
I was having a moment, okay!
I kid. I didn’t write those, but whoever did, I hope ABC sent you a Bachelor stainless steel tumbler for putting your business on blast like that.
Next, we get a season recap. Yawn.
Then we finally get into some of the odder things from the season, like when Aaron gives Devin that book and finally admits who he had been warning Jenn about before he left.
Aaron referencing Devin (because he hated him) and Sam M. (we all know why) makes all the sense in the world, but Spencer? Granted, I do feel like he wasn’t super sold on Jenn, but it wasn’t for a lack of trying!
Aaron has zero self-awareness and is still messy, so he’s perfect for this show.
Sam N. gets a few minutes to explain nothing really except he jumped the gun and admitted his love for Jenn instead of stripping. And then it’s time for the main event!
Sam M. has been getting raked through the coals for good reason. He was walking around like he was Vin Diesel at the height of his Fast and the Furious fame, hating on Devin more than he was talking about Jenn, and there’s no real defense for that.
However, the guys were too nice in their assessment of Sam M., who chose to come on and say all the right things so everyone would think he had learned from the experience. Maybe he did, but his answers were too neat and tidy.
Like his defense of calling Jenn dull and saying he was talking about her eyes (huh?), and not meaning to disrespect Jenn when he explicitly said she wasn’t his type and thought the bachelorette would be Daisy or Maria. Double huh?
Having watched him all season, I know he knows how to say words and make them sound meaningful until you sit back and realize he didn’t say anything.
After this segment, I need them to retire ‘keep the main thing the main thing.’ I will scream into the void if I see that stupid phrase on one crop top.
Jonathon comes out to wax poetic about Jenn and their time together, and again, I feel bad for him for a few seconds, but I genuinely don’t think he and Jenn had more than a strong friendship.
Jesse then extends an invitation to Bachelor In Paradise to Jonathon next summer. And I don’t know when they start filming, but if his DMs are anything like Brett’s, good luck staying unattached until then!
After this, we get an EXCLUSIVE look at the Hulu show ‘The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives,’ and I can’t tell you what it’s about because all I did was stare at Hakeem’s reactions in the corner.
The man is made for television.
Grant gets his time to shine next and endear himself to all of America. There’s something authentic about him, which is a nice contrast to the Sam M.’s of the worlds, who so clearly look like they’re putting on a show.
Grant is a little bumbling and may need some media training, which I love. We need a man in it for the experience, not the Gymshark partnership.
The evening gets ready to wrap with Jenn coming and doing her little check-ins with some guys. She has some nice things to say to Jonathon and Sam N., but she’s still disappointed with Thomas M. because of that time he pulled Devin, and Sam M. gets all the smoke after that.
Jenn’s clearly been watching the show back and seeing all Sam M.’s antics when she wasn’t around, and ugh, she must be so mad he blinded her for so long.
Sam M. wishes he could do things differently, and Jenn hopes that’s true. That’s likely the last time those two will ever be in the same room.
The next segment is lovely, as Jenn talks about the importance of her season and the representation of Asian Americans. Jenn’s been a fabulous bachelorette, so don’t let the haters tell you differently. It’s nice that she’s feeling that love and support from her community.
Jesse then oddly pivots to Charity and Dotun and offers them a redo trip to Greece because Dotun was sick when they went before.
Meanwhile, Aaron’s twin, Noah, and fiancée Abigail, sit in front of them and get nothing from production besides better seats.
Bloopers are next, and they’re funny or whatever. Jenn, referring to Jonathon as her ‘medium-sized king,’ got a chuckle out of me.
They don’t know how to fill two hours, so they bring out a spider to crawl on Hakeem’s legs, and all I want is to see the dramatic final rose teaser. I love Hakeem, but it’s enough!
He’ll join Jonathon in paradise, though! So, at least he’s leaving there with something!
The finale looks messy, and I need it in my veins! But we have a whole week to wait, so while we do, let me know how you felt about this lackluster Men Tell All in the comments!
And how are you feeling about Devin vs. Marcus?
The Bachelorette Season 21 finale will air on ABC on Tuesday, September 3 at 8/7c!