Billie Lourd is acknowledging the dark feelings of grief on the eighth anniversary of her mom Carrie Fisher‘s death. On Friday, the actress remembered her late mother with an emotional tribute, describing the “dread” of mourning Fisher as an “emotional tropical storm.”
“It has been 8 years since my mom died. As my son would say ‘That’s a lot!’ I always dread this day,” Lourd wrote on Instagram. “I spend so much time leading up to it thinking about how awful I’m going to feel. And my dread is usually right.”
“I woke up this morning with a dark cloud over me. But when my kids woke up the dark cloud dissipated and made way for bright glowing sunshine,” she added. “Her death anniversary is like an emotional tropical storm. It pours rain a lot of the day but between the storms, the light is more beautiful than on any day without storm clouds. There are no rainbows without rain.”
Lourd pointed to an Anne Lamott quote that describes grief as “having a broken leg that never heals perfectly that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.”
“That describes how I feel today perfectly. Yes the grief weather is cold and yes I may have a limp but I am absolutely dancing through life (oops I quoted wicked?). And I am actually a better dancer with my limp,” she wrote. “My grief has given me a deeper appreciation for all the little moments of life. So today I am griefful (griefy but grateful).”
Lourd pointed to how her two kids — Kingston, 4, and Jackson, 2 — see their late grandmother as a “piece of that magic,” and that she appreciates the coexistence of all of her feelings, including the grief, joy, long and the emptiness that comes with loss.
“Sending my love to everyone out there who needs it,” she ended the note.
Star Wars legend Carrie died on Dec. 27, 2016, at age 60, following a heart attack after boarding a Los Angeles-bound flight 15 minutes prior to landing.
Last year, Lourd and Fisher’s Star Wars costar Mark Hamill celebrated Fisher as she was honored with a star on the Walk of Fame. Lourd — wearing a dress with Princess Leia on it — reflected on how hard she tried to hate her mother’s film when she was a kid and how she’d often “roll my eyes” whenever Fisher would bring up Star Wars.
“It wasn’t until middle school that I decided to watch it on my own accord. Not because I suddenly developed a keen interest in Seventies sci-fi, but because boys started coming up to me and telling me they fantasize about my mom,” she said onstage. “My mom? The embarrassing lady that worked glitter makeup like it was lotion and didn’t wear a bra to support her much-support-needed Double D’s. They couldn’t be talking about her.”